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How To Get Out of a Blind Date

AAAH!!! Your Blind Date turned out to have the looks of a troll, the personality of dirty socks and the IQ of a crayon!!! How do you get out of spending the whole evening with this loser?

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask: "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

Recite dirty limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Ask the people at neighboring tables for food.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on her derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

Order a bucket of lard.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you're female.

Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.

Twitch spastically. If your date asks about it, pretend you don't know what he's talking about.

Drool.

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Sacrifice French fries to a Pagan god.

Discreetly fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc.

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Undress your date verbally.

Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.

After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waitour date off to people nearby.

After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.

Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.

Get your date drunk. Talk about her philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist her words around.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."

Order for your date. Order more food then he can possibly eat. Tell him that he "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."

If she is paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"

Bring 20 candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

Ask your date how much money he has with him.

Refuse to speak to your date. Request that she mime the conversation instead.

During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.

Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.

Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. Repeat every third third word you say say.

Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.

Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.

Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.

Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you.

Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.

Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking to the CIA.

Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

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