The Guide To Taking A Dump At Work
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden waveof panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop,several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a sideeffect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spareeveryone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nosecone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to anundisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop hasto stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doingthe WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the doorafter you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a veryuncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it isbest to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damnproud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter thebathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always lookaround the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering thebathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together toensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group canhelp you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS andidentify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly ofthe opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sexentering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in thestall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the mostshocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work.If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective whenused in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURDBURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubtthat the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting thetoilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Tryusing a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting onthe pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on thecrapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroomis empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave,and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peoplemay become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shitstreaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when thejanitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHOREcan become a SAFE HAVEN.
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