I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a pay check and a penis? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your pay check.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's the best thing about oral sex? Ten minutes of silence.
What's the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is banging her.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
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